Humancorp Incorporated Read online

  “Did this used to be Accounting?” asked Sean.

  “Research and Accounting, yeah,” Dinero said. “I figured they could develop new and better ways to cook our books, but it didn’t turn out so well, so I kept switching things up - Research and Reception, Research and Finance, Research and Catering... Not my greatest idea. Still, it all worked a heck of a lot better than the Development and Trash Incineration Department.”

  A solid white door barred their entrance to the Research and Development Department.

  “Well, this is as far as I go,” Dinero said, picking up Winston again. “Herman, you show him the rest of the way.”

  “Yes, my leader,” said Herman. He stubbed out his cigarette and watched Dinero retreat to the elevator, eyeing Winston suspiciously. Meanwhile, Sean started tearing some of the smaller pictures off the wall and shoving them down his shirt.

  When Herman turned back to him after Dinero had gone, Sean’s shirt was bulging suspiciously, but Herman seemed to take no notice.

  “Rejoice,” Herman said. “You have been inducted into the glorious ranks of the eternal and mighty Humancorp Incorporated, your arrival anointed by none of other than the true commandant himself, Richard Dinero.”

  “And his dog,” added Sean.

  Herman’s eyes narrowed.

  “I hate that dog so much,” he muttered. “He’s up to something, and when I find out what, there will be a reckoning.”

  He trailed off.

  “You stay here,” said Herman. “I need to get some things.”

  Herman departed via the elevator, and Sean was left to wonder if Herman was going to go wage a personal vendetta against a small dog. However, either he neglected to wage such a campaign of private vengeance or did it very quickly, because Herman returned in a matter of moments with another clipboard with more paperwork on it. He handed it to Sean very stiffly.

  “Your employment agreement,” said Herman. “We have to get your papers in order. Sign it and be inducted into the faithful ranks of the workers of the father-company who toil for the personal benefit of the dear leader.”

  “Okay,” Sean said. He squinted at it. It was a massive scrawl of unfamiliar characters in tiny font. Sean didn’t think he could read it, and not just because he was illiterate, or because he claimed to be to embezzle adult education subsidies.

  “Why’s it all written in a foreign language?” Sean asked Herman.

  “Our lawyers do not speak English,” Herman said stiffly.

  “Oh. And why’s it all wet?”

  “Our lawyers are dolphins,” said Herman. “They proved to be much more capable litigators than humans.”

  “Right,” said Sean. “And is that why it contains this clause about providing fish to the company?”

  “Yes.”

  “And why does it say I can’t procreate?”

  “It’s a non-compete clause,” said Herman.

  “Ah. I understand,” Sean said, and signed it.

  “Very good,” Herman said, and took the clipboard. “Here is your employee badge.”

  He handed Sean a photo ID, which Sean took happily.

  “Thanks,” said Sean. “Hey, wait a minute. How did you get my picture? I don’t remember you taking a photo of me.”

  “Naturally, we have been secretly monitoring you this whole time,” said Herman, “for any signs of disloyalty towards the father-company.”

  “Oh, it’s good that you’re doing that, because I’m very likely to be disloyal,” Sean said, prying another picture off the wall.

  Herman raised an eyebrow at him.

  “Er, I mean, you’ll be able to see how loyal I am,” Sean said. “For example, here’s a picture I - uh - found.”

  Herman looked a little skeptical as Sean handed him the picture.

  “It’s a photo of you stealing things,” said Herman, inspecting it.

  “Whoops, wrong picture,” said Sean. “I meant to give you this one.”

  He handed Herman the framed photograph he had just stolen. It showed a team of research scientists aiming a trebuchet at a zebra for what were undoubtedly very good reasons related to scientific progress and discovery. It was captioned, “Cure for Cancer?”

  Herman coughed.

  “Let’s get you introduced to your manager,” said Herman. He approached the white doors that sealed the entrance to the Research and Development Department and flung them open, then marched through.

  Sean followed him, stealing as he went.

  Chapter 11

  The Research and Development Department was all sterile white, like a laboratory, and filled with contraptions of every description. Some things whirred, others buzzed and shook, and still others emitted loud scratching or banging noises, which made them difficult for Sean to pilfer and ram into his various pockets without anyone noticing. The machines really were everywhere. Some rooms were completely jammed full of them, with metal devices crowding every countertop next to bubbling test tubes and frothing beakers filled with curious liquids of many colors. Other rooms were nearly empty. However, nowhere did there seem to be any people.

  Herman navigated down a long hallway filled with rooms, passed a huge robot arm that was wielding an active chainsaw at a pile of pillows, and guided Sean into a single gigantic room. This room was the largest Sean had yet seen in Humancorp, including Dinero’s office, and that was saying something. It was a massive space, cluttered with machines and junk, most of which were made of metal. From this huge pile of junk emerged a shortish man wearing a white lab coat. He had a five o’clock shadow and messy brown hair. His name was Noel Schwartz, and he was Humancorp’s greatest scientist and engineer.

  “This is Noel Schwartz, Humancorp’s greatest scientist and engineer,” said Herman.

  “Hi,” Sean said brightly to him.

  Schwartz did not reply, but started to peer at Sean closely, inspecting him.

  Though no one bothered to stop and explain it to Sean, Schwartz was a celebrated fifteen-year veteran of Humancorp’s Research and Development Department, which is really saying something because the average life expectancy in that outfit is, shall we say, shorter than a spastic house ant who thinks skydiving is all about confidence and less about parachutes. Schwartz has long been an integral part of Humancorp’s finely tuned discovery machine ever since he invented the concepts of unpaid overtime, the working lunch, and fiduciary malfeasance all during the same binge drinking spree. He subsequently masterminded the Humancorp “By Humans, For Humans” line of products, which included such revenue-earning gems as the self-cleaning dryer lint trap, the automatic plate, and the robotic beer keg. His inventions became so profitable that he quickly rose through the ranks of the Research Department until Dinero finally recognized his brilliance by making him Head of Research, Development, and Tacos for Humancorp, where he secretly worked on the development of new prototype humans and tacos for the entire company. However, despite his intense brilliance, Schwartz followed in the finest traditions of mad scientists by being antisocial and eccentric, and he could frequently be seen microwaving bulk orders of socks and playing the drums on his own teeth, which led to everyone else in the company giving him a wide berth. By acting crazy and irritable around other people, Schwartz managed to drive all the other researchers out of the Department which was, of course, exactly what he wanted. Now he does all the company’s research personally and keeps all the tacos for himself while pursuing his personal quest to invent his own hair, despite the fact that he’s not bald.

  “Our beloved leader has, in his infinite wisdom, sent you this new labor source for use in your experiments,” Herman told Noel Schwartz.

  “Wait, I don’t remember anyone saying anything about experiments-” Sean started, but Noel interrupted him by trying to poke him in the gut with a thin finger.

  “How much do you weigh?” Noel demanded of Sean.

  “Uh, I don’t know,” said Sean.

  “That’s too little,” said Noel. “Won’t be any use as a
counterbalance in the centrifuge, which is a pity, because I needed a new one.”

  He poked Sean a little more.

  “Could still use you as a paperweight, though,” said Noel. “Or as a lightbulb filament.”

  Sean, who didn’t much like the way this conversation was going, looked around the room. His eyes fell on an entire car that was sitting in the middle of the floor, hood open, and up on blocks.

  “Maybe you could show me around your laboratory a little bit,” Sean suggested. “What’s that car over there?”

  Fortunately, this did in fact distract Noel, who turned away from Sean. He looked excited to be given a chance to talk about his work and rubbed his hands together.

  “That’s the new prototype Humancorp Humancar,” said Schwartz. “It’s self-driving.”

  “Wow!” exclaimed Sean. “Does it really work?”

  “It sure does,” Schwartz said proudly. “The self-driving functionality works totally. Of course, the self-stopping still needs some tweaking, but I’m sure we’ll get that down in time. The real challenge wasn’t either self-driving or self-stopping. It was building a car without using oil. Look at the previous models I went through.”

  He gestured across the room, where there was another similar car hitched up to a horse and a different one loaded into a catapult.

  “This one runs off steam,” Schwartz said, patting the latest model fondly. “No catapults at all.”

  “Why didn’t you just make an electric car?” asked Sean.

  Noel whacked himself in the forehead.

  “Of course!” he practically shouted. “An electric one! Why didn’t I think of that?”

  “It’s because you’re a lava-lamp brained madman whose continued employment at this corporation is solely due to your usefulness to the grand designs of our beloved leader,” said Herman. “Our divine CEO instructs you to use this new hire, Sean Gregory Woods, to recover the defective prototype humans you released into the world.”

  “Fine,” said Noel. “But can I use him for laboratory experiments?”

  “I don’t see why not-” Herman said slowly.

  “Good, good,” Noel said quickly. “That’s all I need from you then, Herman. Thank you for stopping by. I’ll be sure to visit Human Resources one of these days to say hello to you too, you know, if I ever go insane.”

  “You are already insane,” said Herman. “That is what makes you a mad scientist.”

  “Hm?” asked Noel. “Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about using prunes as structural pylons for a floating lightning skyscraper balloon! With monkeys!”

  “I’m sure,” said Herman. He drew himself up stiffly. “My duty here is complete and I must return to the upper floors. The leader might have need of me.”

  “Okay,” Noel said dismissively.

  Herman saluted crisply and left, slamming the door behind him as he went. This left Sean alone in the room with Noel. Noel smiled and rubbed his hands together ominously as he surveyed Sean.

  “Good, good,” Noel said again.

  This unsettled Sean a little bit, which was unfortunate because Sean was trying to concentrate on stealing stuff.

  “I’ve already received your dossier from Mr. Dinero,” said Schwartz as he rubbed his hands together.

  “Uh, so what about this whole ‘recovering the defective people’ thing-” asked Sean.

  “We’ll get to that later,” Noel said dismissively. “For now, I need you to help me with one of my experiments. Take this pill.”

  He scooped a little plastic cup off a desk which had a blue pill in it and brandished it at Sean.

  “What is it?” Sean asked.

  “Just take it,” snapped Noel.

  Sean, not wanting to make a bad impression on his first day with his new boss, gulped the pill down.

  Nothing happened. Sean blinked in confusion.

  Noel squinted at him for a few moments, then scooped up the clipboard.

  “Suicide pill still needs some work,” Noel muttered, jotting down some scribblings.

  Sean started to cough and splutter as he tried to regurgitate the pill, but he couldn’t.

  “That was a suicide pill?” Sean asked.

  “Yep,” said Noel. “Doesn’t work though. So far, the Humancorp suicide pill has killed no more people than placebo.”

  He didn’t look happy about this, but then brightened.

  “The good news is that means we can sell the suicide pill as a placebo until we get the bugs worked out,” Noel said cheerily, then scribbled more aggressively on his clipboard.

  Sean didn’t quite know what to say to this, so he started stealing pens off the desk instead.

  While Sean didn’t know or care, Noel was referring to the experimental practice of evaluating medicines by comparing the effectiveness of a drug to a useless sugar pill called a “placebo.” Medical researchers do this to account for an extremely well-known medical phenomenon called the placebo effect. The placebo effect is when a patient’s faith in science grows so strong that it grants the patient unnatural magical powers to cure his or her own illness without any medicine at all. In fact, the placebo effect is so powerful that it is now overpowering many medicines that were previously thought to be efficacious. Doctors hate the placebo effect because it threatens to put them out of business, so they are constantly campaigning against it, smashing up boxes of sugar pills and warning people about the hideous dangers of diabetes. However, Schwartz isn’t a doctor, so he loves the placebo effect, and has devoted much of his life to building a better placebo. His placebo experiments go a little something like this: his test subjects are divided into two groups, and members of the first group are given a real placebo, while members of the second group are given a fake placebo, and then, later, Noel buries the bodies.

  “Anyway, it’s good you’re here,” said Noel. “My previous assistant died- I mean, left us.”

  “What happened to him?” Sean asked suspiciously. “Did you give him a suicide pill?”

  “No, I gave him a placebo,” said Noel. He shifted to block from sight a tarp thrown over a wagon that had a human arm sticking out from underneath it.

  “Too bad about the suicide pills, too,” said Noel, sighing. “Marketing already had the packaging all picked out. Oh well. There’s always next time.”

  He indicated a blue-white bottle on the desk.

  “Humancorp Suicide Pills,” the bottle said on the front.

  “Who buys suicide pills by the bottle?” asked Sean aloud. He turned around the bottle.

  On the reverse, it said in small print:

  “Directions: Take one every four hours as long as symptoms of life persist. Manufactured in a facility that also handles peanuts. Do not ingest if you have a peanut allergy. Side effects may include headache, upset stomach, nausea, gastrointestinal distress, dermatitis, itching rash, dry mouth, blood clots, internal bleeding, mental fog, psoriasis, meningitis, low cholesterol, low blood pressure, low oil pressure, liver failure, rigor mortis, and undertaker bills. In rare cases, taking suicide pills can cause depression and thoughts of suicide. Consult with a physician immediately if you begin to experience thoughts of suicide after taking suicide pills. Take additional pills to resolve any of the above side effects. Warning: Do not overdose, as overdoses can cause death.”

  “Do you like that?” Noel asked Sean slyly. “They also got the video commercial done. Watch!”

  He produced a tablet and opened a video-playing app, where a commercial started to run.

  A handsome, middle-aged man in a mild orange t-shirt appeared in a living room setting.

  “Hi,” he said. “Are you like me? Feeling sad? Stressed out? Unable to sleep? Lonely? Convinced no one will ever love you? Bills piling up? Trouble at work? Falling behind? Not able to cope? I know I was. That’s why I talked to my doctor about-”

  He produced the bottle.

  “Humancorp Incorporated suicide pills,” he said, with a broad but gentle smile. “Ever since I
started taking them, I haven’t had to worry about tomorrow. Thanks to suicide pills, I’m back to being myself again.”

  Then he collapsed dead onto the floor, and a narrator quickly recounted most of the warnings that Sean had read off the bottle. Meanwhile, a large headline announced, “Now in grape and strawberry flavors!”

  “Uh, that was a nice commercial,” Sean said uncertainly. “But I thought Humancorp operated in secret. How are they going to air it if Humancorp is secret?”

  “Well, technically, if everyone who sees the commercial buys the pills, then we’re still secret,” said Noel. “So with that in mind, why don’t you have another? Here! I made this one with a little more placebo in it.”

  “No thanks,” Sean said.

  Chapter 12

  “Hum,” Noel said as Sean refused another little capsule. “Well, in that case, I guess we really have to get to work on my other job, which as you know, is to recover the defective human beings.”

  “Yeah,” Sean said with relief. “Maybe you should tell me a little more about that instead of trying to kill me.”

  “Yes, we’ll come back to killing you later,” agreed Noel. “For now, let me explain. You know all the annoying people you’ve ever met? People who gossip too much, or talk too loudly, or stick their fingers up their noses, or eat your lunch out of the company fridge, or murder your neighbors with a hatchet?”

  “Sure,” said Sean.

  “They’re all defective people produced by Humancorp,” said Noel. “Annoying co-workers, neighbors, and old school enemies - they’re all people who Humancorp, due to poor quality assurance standards, has accidentally released from the factory with defective brains.”

  “Yeah, I know all that,” said Sean. “Mr. Dinero already told me.”

  “You’re an idiot so I’m telling you again,” said Noel. “Don’t interrupt me while I’m explaining something! Where was I? Oh, right. Now, the important thing to understand is that it is nobody’s fault that the company produces defective humans. Even if I was the one who injected experimental drugs, poisons, and consumer electronics directly into their brains, and then handed the ones predisposed to homicide hatchets, that doesn’t mean I was responsible. It was no one’s fault. Got it? No one’s fault.”