Humancorp Incorporated Read online

  “I can do that,” Sean said enthusiastically.

  “I know you can,” said Dinero. “We’ve pretty well established that. By the way, what is your expected salary for this job?”

  “Nothing,” Sean said.

  “Good, because we don’t intend to pay you a base salary. Anyway, going forward, working on this safety recall is going to be your job. I need you to round up the defective people for recall in coordination with our Research and Development team. You’ll be our field operative. Your job title will be something like ‘Quality Assurance Officer.’ If you round everyone up, I’ll give you this big bag of money. Whoops, I guess I burned that one, but I’ll give you a different bag of money.”

  “Great,” said Sean. “How many defective people are there?”

  “Oh, two or three, but once you finish rounding up the four defective people-”

  “Didn’t you just say there were three?” Sean said in confusion.

  “Don’t interrupt me, Sean. Anyway, once you finish rounding up the twelve defective people, you just need to take the thirty of them to the Research and Development Department, and they’ll figure out what’s wrong with them and send them back to the factory, then we’ll get all two thousand of them repaired and turned around.”

  “Er,” said Sean.

  “It’ll probably take you a while, though, because there are about fifty million of them,” advised Dinero. He took another draw on his joint. “Anyway, you and Herman go stand over there in the corner of the room quietly while I finish smoking this. Then I’ll give you a tour of the company, and then Herman will hand you over to the head of Research and he’ll explain the rest, like, how to find these defective people or whatever. Herman, back off a little with Sean. Go stand in the corner. I’m starting to feel a buzz here, and I don’t want you two crowding it.”

  “Yes, my leader,” Herman said stiffly, and more or less dragged Sean away from the desk to the corner of the room near Candace.

  “In lieu of an employee orientation, I will present you with a handbook now,” Herman said stiffly. “Use it to work for the benefit of the dear leader and the greater glory of the father company.”

  “Sure,” Sean said. “Thanks.”

  He accepted a small, fancy faux-leather book with the words, “Humancorp Employee Handbook,” in little gold letters across the front. Sean turned to the first page, which contained an italicized, large-print recital of the company’s mission statement. Sean didn’t have time to read it just now, as Herman was still talking.

  “Your corporate ID and the necessary papers for employment will be presented to you at a later time,” Herman said. “However, your provisional service to the corporation begins immediately.”

  “Great,” said Sean.

  “And this paper details your rights as an employee,” added Herman, handing Sean a single sheet of paper. Sean stared at it.

  “It’s blank,” Sean said.

  There was a pause. Herman didn’t react.

  “Oh,” Sean said, his mouth becoming a thin line. He stuffed the employee handbook and the paper into his bag.

  A long silence followed as Dinero smoked his joint in the corner of the room while setting fire to another pile of money.

  “Moron,” Candace muttered irritably, extinguishing it with a series of blasts from the fire extinguisher before sinking back down behind her desk. The remark earned her a sharp glance from Herman.

  Sean cast his mind around for a topic of conversation with Herman.

  “So, have you been at Humancorp long?” he asked Herman.

  “I live my life in service to the father-corp,” Herman replied stiffly. “Loyalty is required of you above all else. I hope you will be able to demonstrate this. The righteous leader has enemies everywhere in the company.”

  As he spoke, Herman had produced a cigarette and a silver lighter and started to smoke.

  “We must maintain a constant watch against any who would harm the leader. I trust no one. Not you, not the secretary-”

  “Accountant,” Candace insisted as she scribbled down the amount of money Dinero had burned through.

  “Not even my own children,” Herman said. “That’s what it means to be head of Human Resources. You can never trust anyone.”

  “That must be very stressful,” said Sean.

  Herman did not reply.

  Dinero was finishing off his joint when a little green light suddenly flared to life on his desk.

  “Oh, Winston is here to see me,” Dinero said happily. “Better send him in before we go on this tour, or whatever. Marjory, let him in.”

  “It’s Candace, and I’m not your secretary,” she said bitterly. “Your secretary was that man you assaulted and then fired about a week ago.”

  Dinero ignored her.

  “He’s lucky I like Winston,” Candace muttered, and rose from her desk to open the door.

  “Who’s Winston?” asked Sean, but no sooner had he asked the question than he found out as Winston charged into the room, barking happily and lolling his tongue.

  It should be clarified, in case you didn’t understand, that Winston was Dinero’s dog, and not, as you might have potentially imagined, an employee with very little self-respect, although there are employees like that at Humancorp, so you’re forgiven for thinking that if you did.

  Winston was a small terrier with a golden-brown coat, and he was wearing a little dark maroon doggie jacket as he bounded up to Dinero and started licking his face.

  “Daw, who’s a good boy?” Dinero said. “Did you finish doing your business? Did you go number two in Versailles number two?”

  Barking enthusiastically, Winston started to chase his own tail, then ate some doggy treats that Dinero offered him.

  Remember, Winston is a dog, not a human.

  “Aw, he’s so cute,” Candace said happily as she looked at Winston.

  “Are you a dog lover?” inquired Sean.

  “I am,” said Candace.

  Meanwhile, Herman was smoking while staring at Winston with a twisted expression of thinly veiled contempt.

  “I’ve never trusted that dog,” Herman confided in Sean. “Certainly he acts trustworthy, but I have reason to question his loyalty to the great leader. I caught him humping another man’s leg once.”

  Sean tried to process this statement as Winston wagged his tail, which was very short, and licked Dinero’s face.

  Herman tapped some ash off the end of his cigarette.

  “Perhaps I am too suspicious of his motives, but Winston is a personal enemy of mine, you see,” Herman said in hushed tones. “I have reason to believe he’s trying to turn the leader against me.”

  Sean raised an eyebrow.

  “It doesn’t matter though,” said Herman. “I’ll prove more loyal to the leader than Winston ever could be.”

  Winston was presently literally licking the soles of Dinero’s feet with a huge grin on his canine face.

  “You know that’s a dog, right?” Sean asked Herman.

  “That’s what makes him such a dangerous political adversary,” Herman said darkly. “No one ever suspects the dog. They act loyal by being your best friend for their entire lives and then -” He clapped his fist into his palm. “That’s how they get you. They play the long game.”

  Herman tapped more ash off his cigarette.

  Falling silent, Sean watched Dinero play with Winston for a minute or two. At one point, Dinero picked Winston up, putting the little buttons of the coat Winston was wearing on full display.

  “Aww, he’s got clothes,” Candace said, staring at him. “He thinks he’s people.”

  “He’s better than people,” Dinero snapped at Candace while scratching Winston behind the ears. “Anyway, let’s go do this tour of the company. I like to take a hands-on approach to management, so I’ll take you on the tour myself. Winston, you can come too if you’re a good puppy for me. Are you going to be a good puppy?”

  Winston appeared to nod vigorously wit
h his tongue out.

  “Alright, let’s go,” said Dinero. Winston still in his arms, he walked out of his office and over to his elevator, where he punched the down button.

  “Hello, Mr. Dinero,” the female intercom voice said pleasantly. “We beg you to bear with us, oh great master. The elevator will be with you shortly. In the mean time, we are happy to inform you that your net worth has increased by approximately 1.3 Romanias since this afternoon.”

  “That’s .4 Romanias more than usual,” Dinero said appreciatively.

  “Moochers detected,” said the female voice. “Hangers-ons should be aware that they will be charged an exponentially increasing sum for every moment they ride in the elevator with Mr. Dinero for the privilege of experiencing the glory of his company.”

  “Uh, is this likely to be a long elevator ride?” Sean asked apprehensively.

  “Could be,” said Dinero. “All the important Humancorp facilities are underground. This above-ground stuff is just decoys to confuse my personal enemies and our corporate competitors.”

  “Right,” said Sean.

  Dinero let down Winston and rubbed his hands together.

  “Right, so the tour,” said Dinero. “It’s been a while since I did one of these. Let me tell you about the company.”

  And with that, he launched into the history of Humancorp.

  Chapter 8

  The details of the foundation of Humancorp Incorporated are lost to time. Some say it was founded by Profitabilicus, the Greek God of dishonest politics and business, under articles of incorporation signed by Zeus himself. Others hold that it was established by space aliens to finance their vast expenses incurred during the construction of the Pyramids of Giza. Still others contend that Humancorp had no foundation, but has simply always been, like time itself or most Christmas fruitcakes.

  Other, less crazy people say it was founded in the 1960s by a pair of college students who wanted to invent a device to convert water into casino-cashable poker chips. Though the idea itself was theoretically sound, technical problems meant they never got anywhere with the concept. As was the case with many startups, the students operated what was to become Humancorp Incorporated out of a garage until the garage’s rightful owners found out and kicked them out onto the street, where they continued to innovate from under a bridge while taking turns stunning and cooking rats for the food and venture capital they needed to survive. After selling off critical company assets, like the co-founders’ identities and organs, the proto-company was teetering on the brink of bankruptcy and could no longer afford to keep operating under the bridge. The co-founders were forced to make some short-sighted spending cuts to areas like payroll, taxes, and protection money for the local gangs. Fortunately, in the face of imminent death by exposure, the founders were able to collect several million dollars in investment capital using a knife and a pistol, thus saving them from complete ruin. Thereafter, the company turned to morally ambiguous business practices, kidnapping the bottom rungs and refuse of society - homeless, drug addicts, felons, criminals, and investment bankers - to use as lab rats, test subjects, and c-suite officers for their unethical and extremely painful experiments and/or business development. However, after paying these new hires’ exorbitant performance bonuses, the young company could no longer afford to hire rank-and-file employees, who demanded not just wages but perks like a building to work in and guarantees that they were not going to be robbed.

  Faced with such ongoing, crippling difficulties, the founders were forced to abandon their long-running dream of developing a method to convert water into poker chips and started to pivot around to find a new product. They experimented, working to develop the lead duvet, for the Las Alamos scientist who enjoys a nap, then truly invisible ink, for spies who really couldn’t risk discovery, then reverse sun glasses, for days that are too dark, and the electric pencil, for people too lazy to write for themselves. However, in each case, the young company discovered that they couldn’t develop such revolutionary and doubtless profitable products without employees to design and build them. Quite simply, the company needed a workforce.

  And that’s when it dawned on them. The company could make its own workforce! In a stroke of what was definitely either brilliance or insanity, Humancorp co-founder Cato Conroy devised a way for the company to create its own workers, by producing human beings in a factory. In that moment, Sidney’s Water-Based Edible Poker Chips was dead, and Humancorp Incorporated began.

  The technology existed. Humans are, after all, simply machines, to the mind of a genius no different from a car. The heart is like the motor; the brain like the CPU, the bowels like the exhaust, and the spleen like the hood ornament. In a matter of months, Humancorp had baby humans rolling off the assembly line. Everyone wanted one; Humancorp sold them by the million, and despite a handful of quality assurance problems where some of these babies turned out to be defective, growing up and deciding they wanted to be hardened criminals or politicians or liberal arts majors, for example, the public snapped them up. Although competition from expectant mothers and children was extremely stiff, Humancorp soon overcame them by buying them out, and the nation was flooded with Humancorp humans. No longer would orphanages have to go empty, the slums and ghettos endure underpopulated, the crack houses stand lonely and vacant. All could be filled with Humancorp humans. In just a few years, Humancorp was the world’s largest company, having finally found a resource that was more valuable and in greater demand than oil, guns, or cars.

  However, the federal government soon turned on Humancorp. Due to a handful of technicalities inadvertently introduced by zealous liberals into the 1947 Nuremberg Code, Humancorp discovered that its executives might face charges of minor crimes against humanity. Humancorp was subsequently forced literally underground to evade such regulation as its managers and original co-founders fled to seek new opportunities as professional fugitives from justice. Thereafter, Humancorp transitioned to a policy of working in absolute secrecy. No one outside the company and its tight circle of trusted customers knows of Humancorp or its existence, or discusses it - particularly not with the artificial people who are produced by Humancorp as petty laborers. In fact, even some people inside Humancorp don’t know of its existence, as Humancorp now operates through an expansive network of shell companies, fronts, and offshore trusts to conduct its business. Thus, some employees go their whole lives working for Humancorp but without ever knowing the true purpose of their jobs. Others knew but forgot, because Humancorp hiring standards are pretty loose. In addition to secrecy, Humancorp now exercises tremendous power over the government and the world in general, using money and delicious candy to buy influence. Such shady practices enabled Humancorp to survive the 60’s and 70’s.

  Today, Humancorp continues to exist, one of its proudest and some would say most enduring accomplishments, though it is also notable that it is part of the corporate cabal that has taken over the world. Humancorp CEO Richard Dinero is the world’s richest man, and his dog Winston is among the world’s ten richest men. Winston is also one of the world’s ten fluffiest and cutest men, another dramatic triumph of superior Humancorp engineering. The Humancorp of today is much changed in many other ways from the company of the 1970s; while much of the company is still operated from under bridges, these tend to be larger and much classier bridges than before, like the Golden Gate Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge, and Humancorp facilities are located much further underneath them - often underground. Additionally, the company has expanded immensely. Its records now count millions of employees and dozens of payrolls made every month, a dramatic expansion from the early days.

  Humancorp has branched out tremendously in the past few years. Originally, the company only made humans. Visionary leadership from Richard Dinero (who is not one of the original founders but took power in a violent, hostile takeover some time ago) has led the company to manufacture pretty much everything. Humancorp’s products range from the mundane, like the common toaster, microwave, or o
ther kitchen appliances, to specialty items, like replacement parts for Italian sports cars or medical textbooks, to the exotic, like leg warmers for flamingos and non-explosive batteries. Dinero has also aggressively pushed for the development of new product lines to outflank Humancorp’s competitors. There have been many failures. The underground windmill, for example, is generally held as merely one example of a well-intentioned but poorly executed Humancorp failure in the area of power generation, followed closely by the underground solar panel and the underground tidal generator, though the project was ultimately vindicated with the breakthrough success of the underground geothermal power plant. Business in consumer products is also roaring: for people who love their pets, hair spray for alligators and chiropractors for jellyfish, for those with violent tempers, explosive underpants and nitroglycerin punching bags, for interior decorators, the x-ray lightbulb, and for newborns and the newly manufactured, the cement diaper and Coca-Cola flavored baby formula. Humancorp makes them all.

  In fact, just about the only thing that Humancorp doesn’t make is oil. This isn’t for lack of trying, but years ago, Humancorp was involved in a series of petroleum-related scandals. In these scandals, the company was caught drilling for oil in federally restricted reserve orphanages, which came to light after a series of unfortunate oil spills that brought flocks of volunteers to clean oil-soaked orphans with toothbrushes (not that the orphans ever thanked them for it, those selfish, parentless bastards). Owing to a subsequent legal settlement with the International Criminal Court at the Hague, Humancorp was forced to stop drilling oil and stop deliberately dumping it on orphans.

  Many stakeholders, however, asserted that this oil spill was just one example of how Dinero’s efforts to roll out flimsy new products haphazardly negatively affected the corporate brand. Not to be deterred, though, CEO Richard Dinero continued to push forward with his ambitious expansion of Humancorp and reformation of the brand itself. As part of his efforts to make the company more short-term profit and evil oriented, he changed the Humancorp logo. The logo had for years been a depiction of a bellybutton being scratched. Under Dinero, it is now a skull and crossbones behind a huge pile of flaming money. Dinero has also changed the corporate motto to “Lucrum Per Malum et Stultita” from the previous motto, “Keep your trap shut and don’t tell anyone what we did yesterday.”